I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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