My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
