she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
