Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
