I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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