I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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