you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
