Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
