I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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