you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
