So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
