finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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