it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
