i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you had me at cake vodka
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
