mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
