Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
