White coat. Heels.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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