There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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