apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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