she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize