Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
