I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How does it feel to date your dad?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
