does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im six kinds of drunk right now
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
