My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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