I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
