At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
