I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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