you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
