question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
