i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
