apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
