On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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