i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He did a backflip because drugs
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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