So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
