Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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