this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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