Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
