Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
