rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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