If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
