I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When are your genitals available?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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