Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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