"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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