His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
