if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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