Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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