i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
