We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
