I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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