Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
