Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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