i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
