i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
