Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
