dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
