i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
