why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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