so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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