Apparently you make a good broom.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
