i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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