I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
