So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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