I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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